If you saw the BBC programme "The Happiness Formula", you may recall the experiment they did where three participants were given an envelope each and asked to open their envelope in turn. The first participant found a "thank you" note and £5 and was pleased. The second participant found a "thank you" note and £10 and was even more pleased. Seeing that the second participant had received twice as much money, the first participant felt disappointed with his lot (whereas previously he'd been happy). The third participant opened the envelope and found only a "thank you" note. She shook the envelope several times hoping to find some money like the previous two participants had received but her envelope was totally devoid of any monetary reward. As you can imagine, she was quite peeved.
The point of this experiment was to illustrate how comparisons cause us to be disappointed and unhappy.
And yet, we are biologically programmed to compare. Our senses discern subtle differences between the essence and quality of everything we ingest and absorb, whether it is physical matter, emotional or intellectual stimulation.
Did you know that one of the greatest fears that drives people to become workaholics or other expressions of despair, is the deep-rooted belief that they are not good enough? When we feel that we or anyone else that we are judging is "not good enough", it may be appropriate to ask ourselves "compared to what?" or "compared to whom?"
Comparing yourself or others to something or someone inappropriately can be one of the most dangerous weapons of mass destruction. Relationship patterns at the micro level reflect themselves in the macro level. If you feel you are "not good enough" with a mediocre salary, you will continue to feel that you are "not good enough" when you win the lottery.
How have you escaped from the "enough" comparison trap? I am interested to know what strategies people use to rise above the "good enough" trap.....
About Me
- Jesvir Mahil
- Ealing, London, United Kingdom
- I am the Director of University for Life www.universityforlife.com and I have been an educator & professional leadership coach for over 20 years, working with international students in London, Spain, Italy and the USA. I am also the author of a personal development novel about relationships called Finding the One in a Million, and have appeared on TV and BBC Radio stations on numerous occasions to talk about societal problems created by the narrow-minded focus on success at work at the cost of satisfaction in personal relationships. Currently, I am researching & writing my second book, about leadership, called, How to Rock the Boat ... Safely! The University for Life initiative is the result of my active participation in the field of Personal Development since graduating with a BA Hons Degree in Psychology in 1982, an MBA in 1999, and my training with the Life Coaching Academy, with Dr Richard Bandler, Paul McKenna & Michael Breen, and Life Mastery with Anthony Robbins amongst others. You will find archives of over 150 FREE articles on business & management on my website www.universityforlife.com
4 comments:
When I am doing my Executive Coaching work, I often get perfectly happy/content clients sent to me by their bosses for coaching ...when I ask them what they want to be coached on, they will say that everything is fine and they are "plodding along very nicely thank you"...I find myself encouraging them to think of things being better in some way...I use the Solutions Focus Approach so focus on solutions rather than problems.....nevertheless, I find myself subtly making the clients feel that the current reality isn't "good enough" in some way...that they need to get out of their comfort zone when they're very happy to remain within their comfort zone....
So, when you are coaching or being coached...don't you find that the whole premise of coaching sits on things not "being good enough"?
....so many of us become workaholics striving to overcome our fear of being "not good enough" which I suppose is based on the survival instinct of existence...if we are not good enough we die, either physically or metaphorically.
In a work context, if our boss thinks we are not good enough, we get fired...same as death for so many people.
In a business, if we are not good good enough, it all goes belly up...same as death again.
I mentioned earlier that whenever I'm coaching I sometimes feel that I'm encouraging my clients to be discontent ...this is disguised in the concepts of "continuous improvement" and "we have to stretch in order to grow" attitudes.....therefore, is the "not good enough" attitude essential to our survival and evolution in fact? ....I am guessing that the very same attitude may be both creative & destructive...it's creative when it is accompanied by love...eg a person's passionate love for something helps them to break world records and set new standards....or the attitude can be destructive...for example when we isolate ourselves from the people & things we love because we beome trapped into working like maniacs trying to prove our worth.
What do you think?
I've heard the expression "if you are not growing; you are dying!"...that's what I meant about this striving to be "good enough" being a survival instinct...the life force within us needs to expand...when our expansion gets disconnected from the life force that generated it, it becomes a death force instead...ie. working hard is a vital ingredient in being successful...however, working TOO hard is a vital ingredient in a stress-induced early death!
So the question may be "when is enough, enough?"
trees don't seem to work hard at all...I heard a great definition of "an adult" the other day...an adult is someone who has stopped growing at the ends and started growing in the middle!
Going back to the concept of "when is enough, enough?"....at what point do we decide that we've grown enough at the ends AND in the middle without feeling that we're on the slippery slope downhill?.....
In the "Happiness Formula" TV programme, the issue was about the unhappiness caused when we think we have been undervalued & treated unfairly compared with others...how do we overcome the sense of injustice when we are not considered to be as good as others...the slave trade is based on the concept of some people not being considered as good as others...we'd continue to have the slave trade if no-one protested....so it goes back to the existence concept again...sometimes we are forced to fight for our rights as human beings and to prove that we are "just as good" because otherwise we die by becoming invisible and trodden upon.
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