The Language of Friendship

At an Ecademy business networking event yesterday we had an actor do a presentation about the importance of body language in communication. He based his body language work on his experience of teaching Nepalese monks how to speak English even though neither he nor they spoke a word of each other's language.

I am sure that all of us have had elements of this kind of experience, perhaps during our travels, when we had to rely solely on our body language to express ourselves, be understood and even to form friendships.

My parents were experts at the use of body language to form strong friendships. When we emigrated to Stafford, UK in the late 60s, we did not speak a word of English and our English neighbours did not speak a word of our native Panjabi.

Within a year, my siblings and I had learnt to speak fluent English because we had the privilege of going to school. My parents however, remarkably, formed deep friendships with our neighbours with about 5 words of English: hello, 'bye, thank you, alright?

I say they formed "deep" friendships with our neighbours based on the fact that our neighbours had keys to our home.

How was it possible to build that level of trust with just a few words of shared English language and obviously a LOT of communication that was beyond words?

On the other hand, you may notice those who share each other's language and use it most articulately without a trace of friendship between them.

When you walk into the office, or a shop or any other place where you encounter other being beings, you will notice whether someone is engaging with you in the language of friendship, well before they open their mouth to speak any words.

And they will notice the same as YOU approach them!

How do Leaders Lose Compassion?

I took a friend of mine to see the psychic surgeon Stephen Turoff this week for some healing. I have been to see Stephen Turoff a couple of times previously and read on a website that :

He (Stephen Turoff) cannot, however teach anyone to become a healer. In Stephen's words, "a healer needs to posses two qualities, Love and Compassion". He can therefore not instruct others in the mystic field of magnetism and electricity, only give a greater understanding of who you are and how best to apply yourself.

That belief led me to reflect on the concept of "compassion" as part of the research I am doing for my new book "How to Rock the Boat ... Safely!" What I have noticed in organisations is that when a "worker" gets promoted to being a "manager", often, their former peers will complain of a decreasing level of "compassion" with an increasing focus on "profit" by their colleague who has shifted loyalties from "workers" to "management".

Sometimes there is a gradual drain of "compassion" in favour of task-focused, efficiency-driven strategies which leads to redundancies, dismissals, tribunals and disciplinary processes. Years of friendship turn into sour memories.

How do people in leadership/management roles so easily lose the compassion which formed such an integral part of their relationships at work at some point?

Is compassion innate or is it something we learn? If compassion is innate what determines our choice over "people first" or "profit first"?

Passion, Purpose and Workaholism

In his blog entitled Passion Equals Purpose, Ecademy member Mike Myatt writes,

>>>>>For many in the workforce a job is not who they are but simply what they do. These people's passions lie outside the workplace and for the individuals who fit this description their jobs are little more than a means to an end. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this outlook on life and in some respects it is a more healthy and simple way to live.

As a leadership coach for high-flier executives, I have rarely had clients that fit the above picture...what I have found more common is the type of person that is so passionate about their work that they have no idea where the boundaries are around it.

There is a popular saying: Find work that you love, and you will never have to work another day in your life

So, if you are someone that has found work that you love, in developing your own business, for example, you have a perfect lifestyle don't you?

Well, I suppose you do, as long as you know where to draw the boundaries ....I know a very sad number of people in London that claim to be doing work that they love and they spend Christmas & New Year's on their own and oblige acquaintances to keep them company on their birthdays!

All the workaholics I know claim to love their work....that is wonderful except that "work" cannot love them back!

"Work" may fulfill your emotional, intellectual & even spiritual needs but "work" cannot brighten your day like the smile of a loved one, like the signs of human affection, like the unpredictable, spontaneous expressions of love and happiness that people can earn when they don't even do any work at all.

As part of my research for my new book "How to Rock the Boat....Safely!" I am interested in both success & failure stories about how those who find their passion & purpose through work, manage to remain connected to their families, friends and communities.

I would be interested also in your comments about mathematical genius Grigory Perelman who refused to accept a million pound cheque given as an award for his mathematical discovery because he does not believe in self-promotion. On this website it says that "Perelman said he felt isolated from the mathematical community, and therefore had no wish to appear to be one of its leaders."

Do you know people that are potentially geniuses and highly successful in their work and the "causes" they serve, but miserably isolated from the roots of their experience as human beings?

Surviving the Tyranny of Positive Thinkers!

As I continue to do my research for my second book "How to Rock the Boat ... Safely!", I have arrived at the alarmingly frequent theme of people being ostracised, marginalised and abandoned because the "positive thinkers" in their lives, like in a fascist regime, cannot support those that do not fit in with the status quo vision.

During my quest for exemplary trailblazers that I can use as case studies for my book, with tales of both success & failure, I have been told stories of sexual harrassment claims being ignored in communities of "positive thinkers" who vehemently deny that charismatic men could be responsible for overstepping the boundaries of decent interaction...according to the "positive thinkers" in these tales, the fault must obviously lie in the "negative thinker" victims of the transgression who perceived the situation erroneously.


Are you a "positive thinker"?


or


Are you a "negative thinker"?


I do hope that you did not answer "yes" or "no" to either of those two questions. The rationale for dividing people into "good/bad", "good/evil" "winners/losers", "capitalists/communists" "you're with us or you're against us" comes from the primitive part of our brain which Lewis et al in "A General Theory of Love" describe as the "reptilian brain" useful for survival based on fear-based responses.

It is the cortical brain that allows us a more evolved choice of reasoning & solutions. The cortical brain enables us to emerge from an either/or primitive mentality which puts people into "positive" & "negative" cages. Using the cortical brain, we can learn to be highly perceptive & aware of what is going on around us. Dr Phil McGraw and others often give the example of the positive plane pilot who is in denial of the dangers until it is too late. They say that a pessimistic pilot is a lot safer than an optimistic one as the former will perceive dangers much earlier than the latter, in time to think of solutions.

Many self-professed "postive thinkers" may fall into the trap of "denial" with an attitude of "see no evil, hear no evil...." Dr McGraw in his book "Life Strategies" p.111 says that "Denial can, quite literally, kill you"

He uses the psychological term "perceptual defense" for denial and warns that "Perceptual defense is active in your life every day. It can and does keep you from seeing things you simply do not want to be true. In a number of situations, it may prevent your picking up warning signs that, if you acknowledged them, could prompt you to take important and timely coping steps. Perhaps this mechanism keeps you from recognising that you are falling out of favor with your boss. Maybe it blinds you to the deterioration in your most important relationship, thus allowing further distance and damage to occur......." (extract from page 112, Life Strategies, Dr Phil McGraw)

If you are a trailblazer, how do you ensure that you are not in denial or overusing the "perceptual defense mechanism"? How have you personally survived the tyranny of positive thinkers that were quite happy & content with the status quo and denied you your needs? Have you Rocked the Boat Safely? or Have you gone overboard several times with a mighty splash! Please share your variety of "positive" & "negative" stories with all the shady areas of grey in between!

Building Rapport with the Enemy

As a leadership coach I have witnessed several bright, gifted and charming employees meet their downfall as a direct result of not being able to maintain rapport with their "enemy" in the workplace...often this is a line manager and sometimes a colleague at the same level.

In NLP terms, "rapport" is the ability to relate to others with trust & understanding. In order to create rapport with another, NLP practitioners will typically advocate finding common ground, respecting the other's model of the world, being willing to see the other's point of view and generally being responsive to the other person in terms of matching & mirroring them at the level of physiology, tonality (voice) and the words they use.

As part of my research for my new book "How to Rock the Boat....Safely!", I initiated a discussion called "The Importance of Creating Rapport" to identify real life examples of how trailblazer leaders have created rapport. It is assumed that creating rapport effectively is of fundamental importance in leadership as it would be difficult to have support without rapport.

In the previous discussion, The Importance of Creating Rapport, Martin Dewhurst, Mike Myatt, Harun Rabbani contributed some excellent anecdotes and insights into how rapport can be created. Some of these included common NLP strategies such as:
1. Understand & respect the other person's model of the world and affirm their values & beliefs by using language that mirrors & matches their own.
2. Find common ground
3. Be willing to serve & put others first.
4. Be sincerely interested in the other to bring out their best.
5. Listen
6. Care
7. Realise our inter-connectedness with each other

NOT building rapport, would of course mean NOT implementing the above strategies. In other words, instead of understanding & respecting the other person's model of the world, we set out to prove them wrong; we focus on our differences instead of similarities; we defensively put ourselves first; we are interested in promoting our OWN talents rather than eliciting the gifts of the other; we talk but don't listen; we don't care and remain encapsulated in our own distinct individuality.

Most of the clients I have coached are highly skilled in creating rapport and even if they were not, it is easy for intelligent professionals to learn the communication techniques described above. What is NOT so easy is to find the motivation & desire to build or maintain rapport with those that one considers to be the enemy (the saboteurs who will continue to sabotage and erode your very presence in the organisation until they have managed to get rid of you). Choosing NOT to create rapport with those we consider to be vile, dysfunctional or aggressive usually ends with resignation notes or dismissals.

Nelson Mandela & Bishop Tutu identified the need to build rapport & to embrace the enemy when the apartheid system was dismantled ...they made the Truth & Reconciliation Commision a priority in survival of the country. Enemies had to learn to forgive each other for past abuses in order to live together.

However, the Truth & Reconciliation programme worked for volunteers who were willing to acknowledge that they used to be enemies and it required highly skilled mediation.

In organisations, without mediators, how have you managed to build rapport with someone that you know is ready to stab you in the back & to destroy or sabotage your best work efforts? At some point in your career you might have faced this situation personally or witnessed a colleague being made redundant, sacked or demoted because of their inability to "build rapport with the enemy"...I would love to hear your experiences & stories.

The book "How to Rock the Boat.....Safely!" is based on a systems approach to leadership and theories of emergence. Therefore, I am looking for practical examples of building rapport with the enemy in systems/organisations. I look forward to your participation.

The Importance of Creating Rapport

I am writing my second book, called “How to Rock the Boat….Safely!” and interviewed one of the people recommended to me when I put out a request for trailblazer leaders that I can use as case studies for this book. (Please send me your recommendations of trailblazers)

Martin Dewhurst, is the founder of the GSR project which aims to eradicate hunger round the world.

In my short conversation with Martin, I asked him what he thought of Bob Geldof and his Live Aid campaigns. Most of my friends say that "Bob Geldof used to have great intentions but then he got colonised!" so I was interested to see whether Martin would share this view. I was disappointed to hear that he held a mass media view of the celebrity being responsible for creating awareness about poverty and the likes...I interrupted the flow of our genial raconteur with "well, I don't hold Bob Geldof in high regard I'm afraid! I am a systems thinker and I don't believe that we can ignore the systems which create poverty!"

Now what happened next is what truly impressed me.

I lost count of the times Martin used the word "systems" and "systems thinking" in his conversation with me after we almost parted ways. Skilfully, he captured my attention once again by speaking my language....by repeating and acknowledging what I had already expressed was fundamentally important to me, he placed himself in alignment with my values.

This is a communication skill taught in NLP courses...I haven't asked Martin if he was using this communication skill of mirroring & matching consciously to create rapport with me but it certainly worked.

"How to Rock the Boat...Safely!"... learning from trailblazers such as Martin Dewhurst....for a start, we can become masters of building rapport with perceptive communication skills....learning how to speak the same language as the people we need to communicate with is not merely a case of using the same vocabulary & grammar …we need to speak using language that they value which reflects what is fundamentally important to them.

How do YOU create rapport with people? I would love to hear of what works for you….This discussion has developed very interestingly on the Ecademy forum and you can read & add your views here: The Importance of Creating Rapport.


Alternatively, please add your views here.

Jesvir Mahil, Director, University for Life www.universityforlife.com

The Law of Attraction

In the realm of coaching, we often talk about the "primary questions" we ask ourselves. New subscribers from the government agency, The Tribunals Service, will recall that during my workshop there last week, I explained that the primary questions we ask ourselves can determine the direction in which we steer our life.

If we assume that the quality of the questions we ask ourselves determines the quality of the responses we get and therefore our behaviour & results, we are advised to avoid "why" questions as these elicit justifications and excuses which may not be helpful in taking us to the next step.

I found a chapter headed "How can I get There from Here?" in "Ask and it is Given" by Esther & Jerry Hicks.

In essence, this is the question that I also hear most often from my coaching clients wishing to take their life to a higher level of quality according to their specific criteria.

Esther & Jerry Hicks start their chapter "How Can I get There from Here?", page 15, with the following:

"Perhaps the question we hear most often from our physical friends is: Why is it taking me so long to get what I want?

It is not because you do not want it enough. It is not because you are not intelligent enough. It is not because you are not worthy enough. It is not because fate is against you. It is not because someone else has already won your prize.

The reason you have not already gotten what you desire is because you are holding yourself in a vibrational holding pattern that does not match the vibration of your desire."

This is based on the "Law of Attraction" philosophy which is becoming an increasingly widespread school of thought in the personal development industry.

Charles Haanel describes the Law of Attraction as "that law by which thought correlates with its object". In other words, we attract what we think about.

What do you think about this Law of Attraction?

Do you believe that we create our reality with the thoughts that are created in our minds?

How important is it for you to be selective about the thoughts you generate?

What is your primary question in life at the moment?

Many of my readers have been to Tony Robbins seminars and if you have too, you may recall that he says our life is driven by our personal primary questions?

For example, "How am I going to feed my family?" may well be the primary question of someone with inadequate resources to provide sufficient food for themselves & family. This question may be modified to "How am I going to pay the bills?" for someone slightly better off, and "How am I going to pay my credit card debts?" for someone used to a lifestyle beyond their means.

Not all of us are driven by financial questions of course.

What type of questions are you driven by?

The quality of your primary question may well reflect the quality of your life.

For example, my guess is that a day in the life of someone with a primary question, "How can I beat my competition?" will be very different to that of someone focused on the question "How can I express more of myself & contribute more?"...and the irony is that the latter may much more readily beat their competition without even trying! :) :)

So, remind yourself of your primary question and the results you are achieving in life as a consequence of the direction in which that question is steering you.

Would you like to share your interesting primary questions?

I spent most of this weekend at a Millionaire's Boot Camp!

If English is not your first language, you might look in your dictionary to see what "Boot Camp" means and find one of the following definitions:

1. A training camp for military recruits.
2. A correctional facility that uses the training techniques applied to military recruits to teach usually youthful offenders socially acceptable patterns of behavior.

You may be wondering why wannabe "Millionaires" may need to attend "Boot Camps". Well, if you have ever attended a Tony Robbins seminar, or seminars based on the same model, you will know that the audience is controlled & manipulated by a set of regular "Simon says" type of commands eg. stand up! sit down! raise your fist! shout "I'm a millionaire!", louder! jump! shout "I'm a millionaire!"

When you get 12,000 people in an auditoriam with Tony Robbins, people will even walk over burning coal shouting "Cool Moss! Cool Moss" after a whole day of being asked to jump, shout and gesticulate. What the controlled mind is capable of!?

So, the title "Boot Camp" is quite apt for the Millionaire Mindset weekend where we were treated to the wisdom of self-professed multi-millionaires flown in all the way from Australia and Europe.

One of the most interesting statistics I heard over the weekend is that immigrants in any country are 4 times more likely to be successful in business than the indigeneous folk. The reason given for this is that immigrants are much more aware of the opportunities available to them and much more in gratitude (which is supposedly an essential character trait of the rich and wealthy...must be hard! :) :))

On the other hand, when I have met successful immigrant business people, they have usually given their prime reason for starting a business as the fact that they had no other choice...that it was a case of survival. Racism and discrimination in the workplace pushed the intelligent to restore their self-esteem and take control of their own capacity for success.

Perhaps it makes no real difference whether the cause was an attempt to escape pain or to gain pleasure. What matters is the end result?

Actually, it's not quite as simple as that.

One of my second-generation Indian friends gave up her professional career as a Lawyer and bought a large hotel in the centre of London instead. This roused the disappointment and despair of her parents who have been successful business people ever since they migrated to England from East Africa.

"We had no choice but to go into business" they admonished their reckless daughter. "We have worked hard all our lives so that our offspring could enjoy doing something professional instead!"

What do you think? If you were advising a younger friend about choosing a careerpath in business vs a profession, what would you say?

So many entrepreneurs & successful professionals seem to be driven by a deep underlying fear of not being good enough. The psychologist Adler, a contemporary of Freud, based psychological theories on this "inferiority complex" ...he said that we are driven to compensate for our feelings of unworthiness and inferiority by engaging in behaviour that disguises this...sometimes this manifests in the "superiority complex" which is basically just a disguise for the former.I have been wondering about how this inferiority/superiority complex manifests in the slave trade (which unfortunately is not just a thing of the past) and workaholism where we make OURSELVES slaves to work.I know I have an inferiority complex...do YOU? or do you, like most of us, just disguise it well....or was Adler just off his head and way off the mark? :) :)

If you saw the BBC programme "The Happiness Formula", you may recall the experiment they did where three participants were given an envelope each and asked to open their envelope in turn. The first participant found a "thank you" note and £5 and was pleased. The second participant found a "thank you" note and £10 and was even more pleased. Seeing that the second participant had received twice as much money, the first participant felt disappointed with his lot (whereas previously he'd been happy). The third participant opened the envelope and found only a "thank you" note. She shook the envelope several times hoping to find some money like the previous two participants had received but her envelope was totally devoid of any monetary reward. As you can imagine, she was quite peeved.

The point of this experiment was to illustrate how comparisons cause us to be disappointed and unhappy.

And yet, we are biologically programmed to compare. Our senses discern subtle differences between the essence and quality of everything we ingest and absorb, whether it is physical matter, emotional or intellectual stimulation.

Did you know that one of the greatest fears that drives people to become workaholics or other expressions of despair, is the deep-rooted belief that they are not good enough? When we feel that we or anyone else that we are judging is "not good enough", it may be appropriate to ask ourselves "compared to what?" or "compared to whom?"

Comparing yourself or others to something or someone inappropriately can be one of the most dangerous weapons of mass destruction. Relationship patterns at the micro level reflect themselves in the macro level. If you feel you are "not good enough" with a mediocre salary, you will continue to feel that you are "not good enough" when you win the lottery.

How have you escaped from the "enough" comparison trap? I am interested to know what strategies people use to rise above the "good enough" trap.....